Routine

Gary's desktop computer died. He's feeling stuck.

As we discussed this, we began to realize the problem is the change in routine.

I spent the whole month of September scolding myself for being distraught over the water and fuel problems. I kept trying to get a grip on myself, tell myself how good I have it, quit doing the pity-party routine, and just DO what needed to be done (like boiling water next door in stockpots and carrying it over here).

But I just couldn't seem to do it.

When we finally had both fuel and water, then I finally was capable of cleaning the house. Now, WHY couldn't I vacuum the floor or dust the horizontal surfaces just because there was no water or propane? That's just stupid. But I couldn't. WHY did I have such a hard time doing algebra or physics with kids? Those things certainly aren't dependent on fuel and water. And then there were all the self-scoldings over how I have electricity and so many more conveniences than did women on the prairie 150 years ago. How wussy am I, anyhow?

But it's the brain-strain in doing things in a way that is not routine. So much of our life is on auto-pilot. For example, normally we don't put hardly any thought into brushing our teeth. But if we have to think of taking a walk next-door to the place where there's plumbing, or going outdoors to spit on the lawn and taking a cup of water out there with you, it just takes thinking about it. Auto-pilot isn't good enough. Another example is doing laundry. If you can't just turn a knob and push a button, you have to think about it. You have to figure out if you can wash this load in cold, or you have to boil water for it. And then you have to figure out if you're going to carry that heavy load of water, or find a kid to do it for you, or get out the wagon to bear the weight. None of that is hard stuff. But you have to figure it out. Dozens (or hundreds or thousands) of those tiny little decisions each day just wear out your brain.

I'm even wondering at the moment how much this change of routine complicates other life changes. Having a baby, or sending children off to school for the first time (be they kindergarteners or 18-yr-olds who were homeschooled all along previously), or having hubby retire and come home, or starting a job. Some of those things are joyous life changes, some have grief and loss mixed in. But they all entail a change of routine. Even widowhood, which has copious amounts of grief in one's loss, as well as not having your sweetheart there to see you through it (like he'd seen you through all your previous heartaches), is further complicated by all the little decisions about the change in daily routine.

Right now, I'm ready for some living life on auto-pilot. And if Gary decides to get another computer, that will put one small section of his life back on auto-pilot too.