Today's Laugh

If you don't find the following to be quite funny, you haven't raised kids yet or it's been so long that you forgot a lot of it in a haze of happy (and not altogether accurate) memories.


People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets or quit after three days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most 1-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may wind
up with an appointment afterwards. Good luck!

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies, and a nickel; four sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes. Eat with spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup. Eat one with fingers; rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half and stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, one glass of milk, one peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter of a can of cake frosting (any flavor), a bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: Drop pieces of spaghetti onto back of dog; insert meatball into own ear. Dump pudding into Kool-Aid and suck up with a straw.