Thursday, April 12, 2012

Plowing Ahead Blindly

It's one of those days where the failures seem insurmountable, and I wonder why I even try instead of just lying on the couch, watching movies, drinking.

Usually life passes and I'm content enough to keep plowing ahead.  Just do the laundry, put the food on the table, keep the cluttered pigsty from becoming too dirty or too cluttered, go to work, squeeze in some school for Maggie.  No thinking.  Just doing.  And no stopping. 

But today.  For some reason, today I'm thinking of all the other things that need doing.  How will I ever manage any garden work?  What about real cleaning, like shampooing the carpet or fixing the drywall on that one spot in the ceiling?  I want to play piano.  I want to watch movies.  I want to go for a walk.  I want to lie in the sun and read some books.  There are a couple of projects for church that I'm itching to do (one that needs to be finished in four weeks).  And somehow, this kind of mood always makes me unhappy with the shabbiness of my rugs and my old-fashioned storage spaces and the ugly paint in the bathroom and the cobwebs draped across undone projects tucked in the corners of the basement.

Today I spent a couple of hours with Maggie, trying to put together a gift for someone, and it turns out that it won't work and we're back to square one.  We still need to find a gift, and those hours were for naught.  I need to go to a meeting with Gary tonight, and I need to put on my non-introvert facade.  I need to do a grocery run for soft foods, so that Little Miss Swollen Cheeks will have ice cream and sherbet for her sore jaws tomorrow.  Because of an overbooked calendar (a calendar that is so empty of events that many of y'all would covet it) for these few weeks I have three days at home to do all the regular work that I usually struggle to accomplish in eight days. 

Plus, right now there are thinking things to do.  I have to be prepared for a meeting with the school psychologist on Monday, as we have asked the school for an evaluation for special education services (anticipating the need for transition services and some sort of government-provided health insurance for Maggie someday).  Also, Gary has applied for a different position at his company, which would be a significant change from what he does now.  These and other matters require thought, deliberation, planning, and research.  And you can't just squeeze that in around the edges as you plow ahead blindly.  And yet, if you stop (!) and think and give something serious consideration, all that other daily stuff isn't being accomplished. 

I feel whiny.

Well, the living room was cleaned.  And next week we go back to having chapel every morning.  Now maybe I should see if I can find the bedroom under the piles of papers and herds of dust bunnies.


  1. I hear you. And I am so sorry it's been one of those days. There are days that I'm sorry when I get to the bottom of the laundry pile because doing the laundry has been the thing that has kept me moving blindly ahead. I can handle it. It doesn't require thought or decision-making. And in doing it I can feel like I'm at least accomplishing something. But then the last load comes and I feel like I need to go on to something else but it is too overwhelming to try to figure out what to do or where to begin. The tasks just seem so immense in the planning, time and thought required.

    Did you find your bedroom? Maybe I should send my piles of papers and herds of dust bunnies over to your house. They can take yours out in the back yard to play and then we'll both be able to find our bedrooms.

    I hope tonight affords some rest and tomorrow a lessening of anxiety and worry. Plow on, friend!

  2. No, the bedroom's not done. I did make some headway on the kitchen. And I did buy ice cream and ramen for Maggie's weekend. And I did go gift-hunting (and still found nothing). And I did make another attempt at finding stockings for work that actually fit my freakishly long legs (and still managed to bring home a box that were the wrong size). Thankfully, Gary started some quick supper while I was doing errands on the way home from our meeting, so we finished eating by 9:15 instead of much later.

    Still trying to decide whether I should finish the bedroom, the kitchen, some of those littler projects hanging over my head, or just go to bed.

  3. I used to think wife/motherhood would be the perfect vocation for me because I could do anything I wanted and not get fired (wince).

    Jane S.

  4. Jane, then LOVE goes and gets in the way, and compels us to do things for those people we live with!

  5. Yepper.