Adult "Children" Living at Home

In typical middle-class American society, it is not considered okay for young adults to live at home with their parents. I recognize that some kids just don't grow up and will continue to sponge off their parents. But it doesn't have to be that way. Through much of history, young adults would live with their parents until such time as they left to make a new home with husband or wife. And even then, sometimes they didn't leave too far, continuing to live on the farm or nearby for running the family business.

My husband and I used to think that it was a pretty good idea for adult children to live at home for a number of reasons. It's certainly not necessary for every kid to stay at home until the wedding day, but it is a concept worthy of serious consideration. It allows kids to save up a nest-egg for a downpayment on a home or college debt or other large expenses. Because of the expense of housing, few young adults live on their own; they must have a roommate. As long as the parents and adult-child can work through issues of freedom and responsibility, it seems far better for the child to be living with "roommates" (i.e., their parents and possibly siblings) who share their beliefs and values and general lifestyle. It's got all the benefits of a commune with none of the drawbacks.

But in the last year, we've discovered an even better reason for kids to continue living at home. My eldest daughter was recently engaged to a very nice young man. Nearly every week for the last year, the two of them have spent at least an evening each week at our house. We've gotten to know Matt. He's gotten to know us. He's grown to be part of the family. Rachel is not marrying somebody who's a stranger to her family. Those Friday evenings have not been the kind of exciting dates most people consider to be part of courtship, but they're a much more realistic type of togetherness. Our son-in-law was a dear family friend before he ever fell in love with my middle daughter, so we knew him and loved him prior to the kids' "interest" in each other. But Matt didn't start out as part of that close family circle. If Rachel had not been living at home, he would not now already be part of that close family circle; we'd be trying to get to know this fellow who was going to be spending his life as part of our family. And, to me, that in itself is of such great value that it is definitely worth any of the struggles that come with the change in relationships when parents are living with their adult children.