What to Call the In-Laws

When you're a kid, you don't know what adults call their in-laws.  After all, parents usually refer to their in-laws as "Grandma" and "Grandpa" around the munchkins. 

So when you get all grown-up and acquire yourself some in-laws, you have to figure out what to call them.  It feels funny to start calling someone "Dad" who used to be "Mr Lastname."  But hey, what may feel funny at first is something you get used to eventually.  The problem comes when there are objections.

Maybe the bride's mom doesn't want her daughter calling another woman "Mom."  Maybe she thinks, "That's my spot!"  Maybe the groom feels like it would be betraying his father to call somebody else "Dad."  Maybe you don't feel comfortable enough around the spouse's family to use such close & endearing names.  Maybe [gasp] there's some dislike. 

When Gary and I got married, we didn't know what to do, and nobody told us.  When I asked about calling my mother-in-law "Mom," I was told no, but that I could call her "Mother."  (Unfortunately, to me, "Mother" is a term of exasperation, rather like when a parent uses a child's full name; kids usually know that they're in trouble when they're summoned with the middle name and last name in addition to the first name.  That's how "Mother" feels coming out of my mouth.  Because "Mother" sounded disrespectful to me, I didn't want to use it for my mother-in-law.  Maybe I should have anyway.) 

When two of my girls got married, we didn't know what to tell them.  We did tell them that we thought "Mom" and "Dad" would be good, but that it was up to them because we recognized that it might make the husbands uncomfortable or make the guys' parents uncomfortable. 

In hindsight, I think we botched it. 

There is a change of relationship, a change of family, new connections being created, at a wedding.  The bride has to get used to introducing herself with a new name.  She has to get used to a new signature.  The couple has to get used to living together instead of separately in their parents' homes.  Calling the in-laws "Mom" and "Dad" is just one of those changes. 

So I'm saying it for all you yet-unmarried youngsters who are my kids' friends.  There's a theological reality here.  When you refer to your spouse's parents with words/nicknames for parents, you are teaching yourself something about who these people are and what your relationship is.  If they object to being called "Mom" and "Dad," maybe they need to learn something about this new family-relationship.  Neither should your parents object to your in-laws being called "Mom" and "Dad."  You've probably got decades together, through kids and grandkids, through illnesses and moves and job changes and fights and reconciliations and school plays and Little League games and deaths and sorrows and joys.  Y'know, "for better or for worse, ..." and all that. 

And through it all, it would be good to know that this person who raised your husband (or wife)  IS "Mom" or "Dad."  Not just to your spouse, but to you too.  And using the words helps you to believe it.

So say it.  Squirm if you must.  If you can't help it and turn red in the face, so be it.  But say "Mom" and "Dad" anyway.  In 40 years, you'll be glad you did.