"It's Not Supposed To Be This Way: finding unexpected strength when disappointments leave you shattered" is another book by Lysa TerKeurst, written a few years after "The Best Yes." The big disappointments she was facing at the time of the book were a cancer diagnosis, a wayward child, and marriage problems resulting in a separation. That's a lot of pain all at once.
There were so many parts of this book I liked. This is not your typical Christian "self-help" book. This is a book about how we can't help ourselves. This is a book about the Lord alone being our strength, and not we ourselves.
This is a book so honest that, at one point, while she was saying the exact same things that have been coming out of my pastor's mouth during sermons and Bible classes, she then admitted that the readers probably want to throw the book across the room in anger or frustration ... because that's her reaction too to what she wrote. Even though she absolutely, 100%, knows that what she wrote is the God-honest truth. [Can you say "old Adam" and "new man"?]
Page 130: "I had forgiven this person for the facts of what they'd done. I had said the words. But I had refused to let go of the labels I put on this person. Uncaring. Irresponsible. Cold-hearted.
Sometimes these labels protect us from toxic people. But sometimes they prevent us from truly forgiving and moving forward with even our healthy relationships. There's wisdom in knowing the difference."
Yes. "Toxic relationships" are over-diagnosed and too-much-talked-about these days. But sometimes we do need protection. And that can be hard to recognize and even harder to admit to ourselves.
Pages 131-132: She speaks of holding herself accountable for something she didn't do, and beating herself up for a choice that wasn't her own.
This feeds into something I have learned: It's easier to forgive someone for sinning against you than it is to try to convince yourself that the person who did damage to you didn't really do it. Gaslighting yourself isn't the same as forgiveness.
Forgiveness is better than pretending that forgiveness isn't needed.
Pages 178-179: We don't know yet how things will turn out. The difficult situations hurt. You can't change the situation. You can't see where it's going. But you have to keep living in that life steeped in "I don't know." She gives examples:
- You're unsettled at work, but you don't know what's next, so you keep going to work each day, even though it's awkward.
- Your child and his teacher are not a good fit. You've tried to solve it; after talking to the teacher you've worked through channels. But you're weary and stuck.
- Your friends are getting married [or having babies] and you aren't. The loneliness hurts.
It is exhausting, wearying, draining, to live in that constant state of "I don't know what's happening here." But the comfort and strength in facing this is not to get a tidy answer to what's coming. The real comfort is in Christ's peace, in the forgiveness of sins for us and for those who hurt us.
And that's where I come to the one big thing about the book that made me uneasy. The author follows up the discussion just addressed above. She wants to equip us with powerful Bible verses. While some of them are good [Lamentations 3: "His compassions fail not"] too many of these Bible verses are about me and what I do. "Pay attention to My wisdom" or "Be alert and of sober mind" or "Focus on the goal" or "If anything is worthy, think on these things." Those statements are indeed from God's word, and they are good. But they are commands. Not promises. To be sure, these are good commands. But strength and comfort are found in the promises of the Lord to us even when we are unworthy.
And the nice thing is, the predominant message in the book IS the comfort of Christ's blood shed and His mercy poured out on us.
