Psalm 26:2

Examine me, O Lord, and prove me;
Try my mind and my heart.

Integrity.
Trust.
Hatred of hypocrisy.

Sounds like I don't need lovingkindness (verse 3) or redemption (verse 11).  

This is true when the psalm is in the mouth of Jesus.

When it's in our mouth, it is true because of what God reckons us to be.

The Tardis, the Wardrobe, and the Chancel

The T.A.R.D.I.S. -- it's bigger on the inside.

The wardrobe. A portal into Narnia.  It too is bigger on the inside.  There's a whole world in there.  A world that's not apparent to people outside.



We were reading in Anne of Ingleside the other night.  Some kids were tormenting little Walter:  "Your mother is going to die.  But that's okay because you'll see her in heaven."  "How far away is heaven?" trembles Walter.  "Oh, millions and millions of miles away."

We're blind.

Jesus' flesh and blood are in the chancel.  "Lord of lords, in human vesture, in the body and the blood, He will give to all the faithful His own self for heavenly food."

The angels and archangels, the apostles and prophets, the martyrs and the blessed dead -- they're in church with us.  "Rank on rank the hosts of heaven spreads its vanguard on the way as the Light of Light descendeth from the realms of endless day -- comes the powers of hell to vanquish, as the darkness clears away." 



The Tardis is bigger on the inside.
But it's just a story.

The wardrobe is bigger on the inside.
But it too is just a story.

The chancel is bigger on the inside.
More crowded than we realize.
But it's not just-a-story.
That doorway into the nave?  It's a portal to where heaven and earth intersect.
What happens there is realer than any Reality we experience on earth.
And it's not millions and millions of miles away.

Jesus comes TO US.

A Jealous God

Jealousy is bad, right?  It's like envy.  It means you're unhappy that somebody else has something you want, or that you might lose what you have -- whether it's stuff or a position or a relationship.

So when God says, "I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God," we see that as a flaw.

Sometimes people think God has an ego problem:  "Hey, don't worship anybody else.  I'm the Big Cheese here, and I want your praise and your accolades."

Sometimes people think God gets hacked off when we don't honor him as we should.  It must hurt His feelings, they think.  Why can't He get over His pettiness, they think.



If you're a parent, you know the terror-of-heart as your beloved child runs toward the busy street.  Or embarks upon some other stupid stunt that's quite likely to endanger him.  If you're not a parent, you probably remember your own confusion after you did something idiotic as a kid.  "Why are you so mad at me, Mom??!  You're glad I didn't get hurt, but you're mad too."



The Lord is jealous.  And it's not about His ego or His feelings.  It's because what hurts Him most is when we insist on harming ourselves.  He loves.  He cares.  He gives.  And when we run off into the busy street, when we run off into danger, it grieves Him.  Not because it damages Him.  But because it hurts us.  And that is why He is "a jealous God."  It's for our protection, for our benefit.  Not for His.

He is the source of life.  When we leave Him, we turn our back on life, and the only thing left is death.  That's why He's jealous for us: He wants us to have life, and have it abundantly.

Time Flies

 So why is it that grandkids grow up so much faster than your own kids?

Because you're older, and 5 years of kiddo-growth is a proportionately smaller part of your life when you're 50 than when you're 25?

Or because your whole life isn't consumed with tending them, caring for their every need, comforting, teaching, feeding, cleaning, knowing their lingo and their own sinful propensities and their own particular sweetnesses? 

Here a Slave, There a Slave, Everwhere a Slave

Romans 6: You're either a slave of sin or a slave of righteousness.  A slave of uncleanness or a slave of holiness.  A slave of death & sin or a slave of God. 

Slaves of sin are "free in regard to righteousness."  Free, huh?  What kind of freedom is that?

Matthew 11:  Jesus invites us to Him for rest.  "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."  So in a way, there's still a yoke, still a burden.  Just as Paul said: "slaves of God."  But one slavery is easy.  

Why Malchus's Ear?

When Peter went hacking away with his sword in the Garden of Gethsemane, he cut off the ear of the servant of the high priest.  Pastor pointed out that this was not just a humongous injury.  This was his EAR. 

Apostles are to preach.  They are to save people through their words.  Hack off the ear and the fellow cannot hear the word of mercy.  What Peter did was violent and hurtful, to be sure.  But even more, Peter interfered with the man's hearing.  When Jesus healed Malchus, it wasn't just fixing an owie.  The miraculous healing gave back to Malchus the organ through which he could hear the preaching which saves. 

Trusting in Which God?

Remember that part at the end of Narnia, where the Calormene fellow ends up in heaven confused, saying he worshiped Tash and not Aslan? 

Yeah, that's bothered me, like, forever.

Today I bumped into an article about a Lutheran gal who converted first to Roman Catholicism, which then [she said] made it easy to convert to Islam.  She went on her pilgrimage to Mecca.  It's sad to hear the bondage of the rules which must be done to get your brownie-points for making the pilgrimage, and what you can do to get yourself an exemption to some of the particulars while still racking up your brownie-points.

The woman rightly desires a conviction that "God is all I need or will ever need."  She says that those who have that trust will never be worried or discouraged.  That's quite a lot of pressure to measure up to, emotionally and mentally.  But I suppose it's true.  IF I had perfect faith in Jesus, I would never be worried or discouraged.  But that ain't gonna happen.  That's why He loves and forgives sinners  -- we can't be confident and perfectly full of trustingness.

What comes after "God is all I need"?  Statements like these:
"I realize that this is something I have to work on every day."
And talk about feeling God's presence.
And, "Now that I have experienced this pure connection to God, I want to maintain and grow it. The onus is on me to make the changes necessary to help this happen."

I want to grow this connection with God.
The onus is on me.

What happened to "God is all I need"?



I've heard Christians say, "God is all I need," but then focus on their following, their works, their praying, their feelings, their efforts to grow?  Which God are they worshiping?  How is it different from the Muslim god?

Update

Gary worked on the garage floor, cleaning it, filling in the rotting cement so that it just begins to smooth out a bit, and painting the floor.  A few more years of diligent upkeep and we might remedy the pitiful state the floor was in when we bought the house.  It looks SO much better already.


Can't seem to get the house cleaned.  Garden isn't put to bed either.

Maggie and I keep plugging away at some schoolwork.  I haven't gotten her to a second volunteer-job yet, though, which was high on the priority-list for this school year.

I was ill last week.  Now that I'm off the antibiotics, I suspect the problem may be returning.  I'm trying to do everything I can to fight it.  But I suspect my immune system is more compromised than I thought.  It may be a long, vitamin-C-filled, achy, garlicky, lazy winter.  It's so hard to know when you should plow stolidly ahead and when you should cry "uncle" and just stop and rest. 

Everybody thinks I've recovered better than I have.  I hate saying "no," especially when I want to assist with the projects that need to be done.   I guess I'm faking Adequacy well enough that people expect me to be back to normal.

Three new babies this week for friends.  And an engagement.  And a friend released from the hospital.  So much happy news out there!

Now that sunset is earlier, the huge glass windows at work have become mirror-like at the end of the day.  I didn't realize until yesterday how much I'd been avoiding looking in mirrors.  So many people have complimented my short haircut.  I've been told that it's chic, trendy, cute, becoming, and a bevy of other nice adjectives.  Nevertheless, I still don't like it.  But that's been okay because I seldom see myself.  Now at work, I can't avoid facing up to my super-short haircut. 

I started watching the series "Doc Martin."  LUVving it!   Thanks to Lora for recommending it!

Right now I'm reading a biography of a guy who suffered a brain injury and became a synesthete.  For some reason, the book is beginning to creep me out.  I can't figure out why, but it really bothers me that he insists there is no such thing as a circle; he sees everything as angles, squares, triangles.  He pretty much sees everything as pixelated.  And I believe there are circles.  It seems theological to me, and I can't pin down why.  I'm glad Maggie and I are still enjoying the joy of Anne books, and that I'm still not done with the Mitford books.  Katie suggested that I'm spoiled by the lovely books and don't have patience with most of what's available these days.  She's right.

One of those serendipitous homeschooling things:  Maggie and I have a few different things going for school right now that hit on worldviews and how macro-evolution has affected so much in academia.  We keep bumping into the same thing from different perspectives.  That probably adds to my impatience with waste-o-time books and movies.  There's so much in the world that is good and beautiful -- let's enjoy them instead of [ahem] facing reality. 

Signed,
the ostrich

Being Glorified

Such a tight link between justification and glorification!

Romans 8:  Whom He predestined, these He also called; whom He called, these He also justified; and whom He justified, these He also glorified.

Notice that "glorified" is a past tense verb?  It's not just a "some-day" thing; it's a done deal.  It's happened.  And it happened because we were declared righteousness (aka, "justified").

And what does Simeon sing?  "My eyes have seen Thy salvation ... the glory of Thy people Israel."  Our glorification is that we have been saved from our sin.

 

Wisconsin Homeschoolers

Your PI-1206 report is due on Wednesday (October 15).  Fill out the report ONLINE.  Do NOT follow the advice of a certain out-of-state homeschool organization which tells you to use a paper form of their own making.  Do it online.  The online form does NOT request any information that is different from what is required by law, the information we used to report in the olden days of filling out the paperwork by snail-mail. 

Failing to file properly (that is, online) includes the possibility of trouble for yourself.  But that's small potatoes.  More likely, when people insist on filing a non-government paper-form instead of the online form, we're setting ourselves up for legal hassles as a group.

Reading Lesson

The older kids would play or color or build-with-Legos while I read aloud to them.

The older kids would read books to themselves on their own.

The doctors told us Maggie would never read for fun, for enjoyment.  They told us that kids with VCFS learn rudimentary reading skills, but their comprehension is abysmal.  Well, phooey on that.  Maggie continued to increase in her reading ability.  Then, a couple of years ago, she accidentally discovered something that helped even more.

If someone reads aloud ... and the listener has her own copy of the book -- two things happen.
a) The listener's reading skill increases.  ("Oh, that's how you pronounce that word!"  Also, a better understanding of how words are grouped into phrases.  And much more.) 
b) The listener's comprehension of what is heard-with-the-ears increases because of what is seen-with-the-eyes.

Now we're to the point that Maggie always wants to search out of second copy of Anne or whatever-we're-reading. Hooray for a big library system!

He Remembers That We Are Dust

Step on an ant or a beetle.  Crunch!
Swat a mosquito, and get blood on your hand.
Swat a fly with force, because it requires some smashing.

But swat a moth?
You barely have to touch it.
It doesn't leave a blood stain on the wall.
It practically turns to dust.

That always amazes me.  Moths are so dry.  There's nothing to them.  They are so easy to do away with.  And they're like powder.  Like dust.

"He knows our frame.  

He remembers that we are dust" (Ps 103).

The Lord remembers that we are dust.

But we don't. We think we've got substance.  We think we've got strength.  We think we've got lasting-power.  We think it takes somethin' big to knock us out.

But we are dust.
And the Lord is gentle with us dry dusties.

"As a father pities his children, 

so the Lord pities those who fear Him." 

He Remembered the Word of the Lord

Jesus said Peter would deny Him.  Peter said, "No way.  Ain't gonna happen.  I'll stick by You, even if it means prison or dying."  That's when Jesus told Peter, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times" (Luke 22:34). 

Hours later, when Peter had --sure enough-- denied Jesus three times, the rooster crowed.  And then Peter remembered the word of the Lord (verse 61). 

I always thought that verse meant Peter remembered the prediction of his failing.
And only that.

Pastor pointed out in class this week that there was more to the conversation: look back at verse 32.  Jesus had also said, "I have prayed for you."  That's no small thing, no impotent thing, that Jesus prayed for Peter.

Jesus had also said, "When you have returned to Me."  In other words, Peter would indeed be restored.  He would be forgiven.  He would be brought to repentance and placed back  in the office of apostle.  "When you have returned to Me."

When Peter "remembered the word of the Lord," there was also a word of faithfulness from Jesus mixed in with the statement of Peter's unfaithfulness.  It is God who gives faith, works faith, and sustains faith.   "The God of peace Himself will sanctify you wholly and keep your spirit, soul, and body sound and blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  He who called you is faithful, and He will do it."

Wit

A movie about dying of cancer. A professor who is alone, no family, no friends. She agrees to aggressive treatment, for the sake of research, with only a small hope for recovery. An exacting professor who teaches John Donne's poetry. A woman who has little to hang onto other than "Death, Be Not Proud" and her own toughness.

A woman who eventually must face the prospect of her own death. A woman whose only comfort is the gospel (if you can call it that) found in The Runaway Bunny.

So very different from Stephen's death.  A man surrounded by family, friends, and pastors.  A room filled with hymns, prayers, more hymns, liturgy, psalms, and a few more hymns.  An image on the wall of Jesus dying on the cross to bear the wages of Steve's sins.  A statue of St Michael defeating the dragon-of-old.

Unlike the tough professor in Wit, Pastor Wiest knew long before that he was weak.  But His Jesus is strong.  As he became weaker at the end, he was given more and more and more of Jesus' word of forgiveness and mercy.  "For when I am weak, then am I strong."

Library Sorting

When Lora was eliminating Stuff from her house before moving overseas, she talked about her books, and how wrenching it is to get rid of books.  So many of us look at bookshelves to get an idea of WHO somebody is. Without our books to identify us, people can't get to know us by perusing our bookshelves.

I'm sorting through Pastor's books, making sure they're properly grouped and arranged after his study was moved into a new room.  On the one hand, it's fascinating.  Oh oh oh -- so many books just begging to be borrowed!  On the other hand, the work feels like trespassing, as if I'm butting into somebody's brain.

Of course, as Katie pointed out, her bookshelves don't necessarily reveal things about her; there are other people in her home.  And yet, "Goodnight Moon" does reveal something about who Katie is, even if the book is not her top choice in literature for her own personal reading.   Same for Pastor: he has books on his shelves about cults and heresy and other errors, alongside the books that refute error and books that are just fabuloso all on their own. 



Paid job;
resting my body while sorting at church;
resting my body while doing schoolwork with Mag;
resting my body while goofing off on the computer;
means
not spending as much time cleaning, cooking, blogging, or gardening as I think I "should." So many many chores that are screaming for attention, and I keep scolding myself into trrrrying to lollygag and watch TV and read more.  Healing takes time.

Joy, Suffering, and Philippians 1

In Sunday's epistle (3-yr series) Paul was comforting the saints in Philippi with assurances that his imprisonment was for the sake of the Gospel.   

In my chains and in the defense and confirmation of the gospel, you all are partakers with me of grace.

I want you to know, brethren, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel, so that it has become evident to the whole palace guard, and to all the rest, that my chains are in Christ; and most of the brethren in the Lord, having become confident by my chains, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.

Yes, Paul was acting Christlike, to suffer for preaching the forgiveness of sins to those who are not worthy of it.

Yes, Paul was an example to the other Christians, so that they were emboldened.

But also, he was writing to the church at Philippi.  You remember who was a member of that congregation?  The Philippian jailer.  The guy who'd listened to Paul and Silas singing hymns half the night.  The guy on duty during the earthquake when the Lord opened the prison doors. The guy who was going to kill himself, until Paul stopped him.  The guy whose whole family was baptized, who welcomed the apostle into their home and treated his wounds and fed these missionaries.  The guy who rejoiced (Acts 16:34) in the Gospel.

You want an idea of why Paul could say that his chains are for the furtherance of the Gospel?  And that in his chains, they partake with him of grace?  And why that resonated with the folks at the church in Philippi?  Because they knew, intellectually, emotionally, experientially.  They had lived it.  They knew this fellow who worked at the jail.  They knew his family.  They worshiped with him.  They cared about him.  And this family heard the good news of Jesus' forgiveness because Paul had been unjustly accused, beaten, and imprisoned.  Not fun or comfortable for Paul.  But cause for rejoicing nonetheless, because there is greater joy in heaven (and in the church militant too) over one sinner who repents. 

And there it was again, in Rome: Paul's arrest being a good thing.  (So weird.  An unfair arrest being good?!)  But if anybody would "get it," it'd be the folks at the Philippian church.
 

A Single Red Branch

Winter's coming. 

(Shhhh.  Did I really say that?  Right out loud?  [shudder]  I should have my mouth washed out with soap.)

Leaves are changing color. 

This year, more than other years, I'm noticing how one branch's leaves will turn red or orange, while the rest of the tree's leaves are still green.  It's so patchy.  And it's not just one or two trees; many are showing the same pattern.  It seems odd.

Then I think of people's hair.  How my gray hairs all come from the same small patch on my head.  How a man's beard will change with one stripe graying before the rest.  How some people will turn gray at their temples first.

Maybe those trees are more like us than I thought.

Roots and Stability

I like to know what to expect.

I don't like not-knowing --  not-knowing about the economy or safety or politics/military action.  It makes it hard to plan for the future.  It leaves a person unsettled.  We're trying to think about our will right now, and whether to set up a trust for Maggie.  But who knows what to expect these days?  Health care and taxes and who'll be running the country and whether religious persecution will come to our shores -- it's all up for grabs.  No certainty.  Questions about stability.

In our Bible story recently (Numbers 6), we heard about the Israelites in the wilderness of Sinai.  They'd left Egypt a little more than a year earlier.  For a change of pace, we hear that they obeyed the Lord.  When the pillar of cloud/fire moved, they were to move.  And they did.  When the pillar of cloud/fire stayed put, the Israelites were supposed to stay in the same spot.  And they did. 


But what about their expectations?  Any one evening, at the end of the day, when the cloud of the Lord's presence settled, the people pitched their tents and started supper ... with no clue whatsoever as to whether they were going to be packing up again the next morning or in a week.  Or in a month.  Or in a year.  They lived day-to-day with no knowledge of the morrow.  No certainty.  No stability ...

except ...

"the Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer."

Crucifix Shopping

Shhh: don't tell the computer or Big Brother.  I have figured out how to get NICE ads in the sidebar of my computer.  If you go shopping for a few hours on eShakti, they start sending you gazillions of ads.  If you keep clicking on them, pretty soon the ads go away that want you to [ahem] meet singles or buy Bounty or subscribe to some liberal magazine.

Tonight I spent a couple of hours looking for crucifixes.  On ebay.  On Amazon.  On various Catholic church-supply sites.  And now I have crosses and pretty dresses popping up as ads.  Nice!

While shopping, I discovered how

few people knew what a crucifix is.  There were plenty of empty crosses listed under "crucifix."  There were also the kind that some of our kids received as baptism gifts from the congregation -- the kind with a kneeling child in the center.

"I don't like that cross, Mom!  I don't want to die on a cross!"

Uh, yeah, that was when those crosses went away.

I also discovered somebody's crafts: turquoise and yellow beads, strung together like we used to make at summer camp to be key chains or lanyards.  In a cross-shape.  Turquoise and yellow.  Ugly as could be.  Mixed in with the crucifixes.  Good grief.  It takes a lot of sifting to shop for something online.



PS: If you need an introductory coupon for eShakti (which also offers free customizing on first-time orders), let me know.  You'll get $25-35 off your first try, and I'll get a $10 referral coupon.

Arachnoiditis

When a brain aneurysm ruptures, blood mixes with the cerebrospinal fluid.  Your brain doesn't like that.  Neither do your nerves.  That nice, clean fluid is supposed to protect your nervous system, and blood pollutes it.  This can bring on arachnoiditis.

After my little aneurysm problem, I had debilitating pain in my lower back and my legs.  Once the doctors figured out the cause of my pain, they knew that the best solution was for the blood to be re-absorbed by the body so that it would be away from the nerves.  That meant my getting up to sit and even walk.  It also meant lots of pain meds to make it possible for me to sit or stand. 

Thinking about how arnica gel had helped so much in healing my bruises (where blood leaked and has to be re-absorbed) I asked my family to bring arnica to the hospital.  I can't say for sure that it helped.  But I sure felt better when I used it on the sore spots.  Of course, the improvement may have been caused by the doctors' treatments, or time, or a combination of many things. 

With some recent flare-ups, I'm trying arnica again.  I doubt it will help.  It doesn't seem reasonable to try, as pain now is residual nerve pain, and not pain from blood currently polluting my CSF.  But what would it hurt?