Today's Laugh

Santa and his wife weren't getting along.  They went to a marriage counselor but still could not work out their differences.  They decided to divorce.  They discovered --to their amazement-- that divorce is not allowed at the North Pole. 

So instead of a divorce, they got a semicolon.





Why?
Because a semicolon separates two independent Clauses.

Today's Laugh

What does the moon do when he needs a haircut?

'e clips.

Today's Laugh

Hey, did you hear about the postman who planned an overseas trip with his wife?  He proudly announced to his friends that he was going to Spain. 

His friend Bill asked, "So will you visit Parcelona?"

The postman rolled his eyes, shook his head, and ignored the comment.

The next day Bill was telling his neighbor about the pun.  Bill related how the postman didn't appreciate the joke.  The neighbor understood how there might be lack of enthusiasm over the humor: "You know, Bill, the thing about jokes is ... it's all in the delivery."

Today's Laugh

George delivers wine to liquor stores, grocery stores, and restaurants.  Yesterday he pulled up to the loading dock at the grocery store, right next to the bakery truck.  The delivery man was poking around in the back of the truck, setting aside some boxes to be hoisted onto the dolly.  By the time George had made his deliveries and returned to his truck, the bakery fellow was perched on the edge of the truck bed, thinking about climbing out of the back of his truck and meandering indoors with the first part of his delivery. 

George asks, "So, are you going to get off your buns, or sit around and loaf all day?"

And after I related the tale last night at supper,

witty Maggie pipes up with, "And the bakery 

guy responds, 'Oh, quit your whining.'"

Twelve Minutes

Grandkids were dropped off here on Monday morning.  Katie told me what she'd brought for food and gave me a list of phone numbers. 

No sooner had Mommy and Daddy left than Alia (6 yrs old) tells me that she NeeEEEeeeds a peanut-butter-&-Nutella sandwich.  "It's been TWELVE minutes since I ate breakfast, Nanna.  I am SOooooo hungry!" 

"Twelve minutes?!  Oh my.  Really?!"

"Yes, Nanna.  Twellllve minutes.  I neeeEEEeeed a sandwich!!"   This is, of course, accompanied by elaborate gestures and vocalizations of one nigh onto dying of starvation.

After a bit of this [ahem] bantering, I leave for a minute or so to help Zoe with something.  I come back to the kitchen, and Alia dives in again.  "It's been TWELVE minutes since I ate.  I neeEEEeeed food, Nanna!  I neeEEEEeeed a Nutella sandwich!" 

Please understand that it takes about 7 minutes to drive from their home to ours.  They'd been here for a few minutes already.  Doing a fairly good job of hiding my desire to laugh, I told Alia, "You know, sweetie, twelve minutes ago, I think your parents were already locking the door of your apartment and you were headed down the stairs and out to the car.  I'm not so sure of your timetable on all this." 

A moment of regrouping.

"Nanna, it's been THIRrrrrTEEeeN minutes since I ate.  I'm starving!!  I neeEEEeeed a peanut-butter-&-Nutella sandwich."

Today's Laugh

We all could use a little more calmness in our lives, right?
On that note, here's a message from a friend:

"Here's some simple advice from the Dr Phil show.  He said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished.

"So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished.  Soon, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Zinfandel, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, a bag of Doritos, and a box of chocolates.

"You have no idea how freaking good I feel."

Just to clarify, for people who have no

sense of humor (and I know you're

 out there!) this is a JOKE.  Okay?
Everybody knows that you can't be
drinking liquor and popping Prozacs.

Today's Laugh

It's so dry in Texas that
the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are using wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Episcopalians, Catholics, and Lutherans are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

Zoe Said Her Catechism Verse

At church, there's a star-chart in the hallway.  Kids' names, listed by grade, with slots for having learned the main Bible stories and the Six Chief Parts.  When you say the Bible verse from one of the chief parts, you get a colored star.  When you speak the entire section, the date is listed. 

Today 3-yr-old Zoe recited fully and correctly to Pastor for the first time.  (Earlier this year, she told him the Lord's Prayer almost by herself without prompts.)  This morning she whispered told him the verse from John 20.  He gave her a high-five, then she walked away, dragging me with her.  Down the hall.  Directly to the star chart.  It was all of about 15-20 seconds after finishing her recitation. 

Disappointed little girl.  Her star had not appeared on the chart yet!

(I told Pastor about her expectation.  I suspect the star will appear soon.)

Learning the Letter Sounds

Three-year-old says:
"Q" is for "'kwuh."  Kwuh, kwuh, KWOSED!


 (You know.  "Kwosed" -- the opposite of open.)

Stealing Katie's stories because 

they make me smile.

Definition of "Plague"

During chapel this morning, the word "plague" came up in our Bible story.  Pastor checked with the kids, "What is a plague?  What does that word mean?" 

A fifth-grader answered first: "That's like taxes."

Such an Obedient Wife!

They're telling me stories of things that happened in the hospital -- things I do not remember.

They tell me that when the medical staff removed my breathing tube, I didn't exactly remember to breathe.  The machine had been doing the work for me.  I was weak.  Breathing wasn't on the top of my priority list.

So Gary would notice me go 20 or 30 seconds without a breath.  My oxygen level would go down.  "Susan!  Breathe!"

So I would.

Apparently, after one of these big breaths, I pointed out to him that I was a Very Obedient And Submissive Wife.  I breathed when he told me to!

Hey, I figured he should appreciate the "obedience" for those brief moments.

Today's Laugh

Grabbed off Facebook:

What's so great about living in Switzerland?
Hmmm.
I guess the flag is a big plus.

Today's Laugh

 

 

Stolen from Polly's FB page

Today's Laugh

Another groaner from Tyler:

John really liked Emmaline.  He asked her to accompany him to the prom.  Emmaline accepted.  John was delighted.  He wanted to make it a wonderful evening of memories.  What special plans would enhance their evening?

John decided to rent a tuxedo.  He found a tux store.  When he arrived, he found that many of the other guys at school had had the same idea.  The line was long.  But he wanted to look snazzy for his date with Emmaline.  So he waited and waited.  Finally it was his turn.  He chose a style and was fitted for it and paid his down-payment. 

While John was waiting at the tux store, he'd heard some of the other guys talking about flowers.  Yes, he needed beautiful flowers for Emmaline.  He went to the florist.   He found a long line there too.  But he was patient; he waited until a florist could help him choose the corsage that would be just perfect for Emmaline's dress.

A few days later, John had the idea to go one step further in the classiness-department.  He would rent a limo for prom night.  He hunted up a place and headed over there to make arrangements.  This place too had a long line of fellows with the same idea.  So John waited until he could set up the use of the limo and finalize the contract.

Finally, prom night arrived.  John picked up Emmaline.  Her mom wanted to take so many pictures.  John, in his tux.  Emmaline, in her gown with the beautiful flowers.  The couple stepping into the limousine. 

After a luscious dinner, Emmaline and John walked into the dance.  They visited with friends.  They laughed.  They danced.  They had a good time.  They got thirsty.  Emmaline asked John to get her a cup of punch.  So John walked straight over to the refreshment table.  And there was no punch line.

Today's Laugh

Another bad pun from my co-worker --

but read it out loud because I'm not sure

this is a joke that can be communicated in writing:

The bear walked into the bar.

The bartender asked, "What can I get for you, sir?"

The bear grumbled, "A rum and ...

...

...

...




...

...


... coke."


The bartender was puzzled.  "What's with the big pause?"

Today's Laugh

My co-worker Tyler was telling some jokes today at lunch.  At their Easter dinner, his family got going on a run of Bad Joke Telling.  Here's one:

Why can't you tell puns
to kleptomaniacs?

Because they take 

everything literally.

RUINING Children's Lives

Are you a parent?  You are ruining your child's life.  Yes.  Yes, you are.  Go check out Beth Woolsey's blog to see how terrible you are.

For one example, read what awful thing Jamie reported about her dictatorial mothering:

My child will be calling Child Protective Services and suing for $20,000 cash because I threw out a gnarly toothbrush and replaced it with a fresh, new one, which is clearly child abuse.

How about Michelle's cruelty?

I don't let my 1-year-old lick the bottom of people's shoes.

Oh!  Alas for those poor children who endure such suffering!

Getting a Driver's License

Oh, the logic of a 4-yr-old!

As my daughter and granddaughters are out walking, they see Auntie Maggie and Olivia (Andrew's girlfriend) drive past.  Olivia is driving.

Alia (age 4) is shocked.  "Olivia is driving?!"

Her mommy says, "Yes, she's a grown-up."

The wheels turn in Alia's head.  "But Maggie is the same age as Olivia, and she doesn't drive."

"Well, Alia, people are different.  Some grown-ups don't drive."

Alia thinks.

And thinks.

And thinks some more.

Then she concludes, "So, Olivia can drive because she's in love."




Now, stop laughing.
Virtually every driver that Alia knows is part of a couple.  So her logic is fabulous.
Even if it is wrong.

Today's Laugh

I told a chemistry joke....


There was no reaction.

stolen from Melody

Today's Laugh

Can you tell the difference between a piano, a tuna fish, and a bucket of glue?

Well,
you can tune-a piano,
but you can't piano a tuna.


But,
wait, ...

what about the bucket of glue???


I knew you'd get hung up on that!

stolen from a co-worker